Am I An Imposter?
Why in the world do I utter blabber when someone asks me what I do or they say “Oh! You do art?” and I reply, “Oh yeah…I mean, I’m an artist I guess. Yeah. Yes. I am a ‘professional artist’” with literal air quotes with my fingers like I don’t even believe it myself! I don’t get it. I have my bachelor’s in art…I studied art in Italy…I had my own gallery…(these things actually don’t even matter to me (they matter cuz I’m thankful for them but they don’t matter like they don’t make me more of an artist.) It’s that feeling of having to explain yourself to people who don’t get it and need some sort of lame credentials to see you as legit) But really, I make art ALL THE TIME. And I LOVE it and I always have and I HAVE to do it as it feels like part of my purpose and gift that God gave me. And I know that my art makes any space glow. I have paintings hanging in my closet and it really brings the space together even in my closet! LOL!
Where’s my confidence at? Gosh, I’m an imposter even after the fact that I made it and I am officially an artist (and have been for a while…what does that mean “I made it”…I think the actual day I made it was when I was 5. So I’ve been making it for 24 years mate.) Is it because the art world is scary (cuz it is)? Is it because theres so many galleries that you can only get into if you know someone and I don’t know that special person yet? Could it be that actually theres nothing wrong with me and theres nothing lacking (stupid negative self-talk), but I just haven’t had my moment yet. What is that called? Realization?
I just know that my art is awesome. Its bright, it’s big and bold and even with themes of darkness (depression and anxiety and despair), it still radiates light. Let me be real with myself for a second and you can come along for the ride, friend…I think everything might be in my head…because I see whats on those gallery walls…I see artist’s websites and I’m not hating on anyone ever!!! BUT I do have to say that once I see whats successful out there (success = art being out there for people to ingest?? I guess thats what success means in this context?!) I know that, hey! I think I can do that too! Because my art is awesome! It’s deeply rooted in feeling. And not that boring bleh feelings that look grey and black and misty. My feelings (art) are in your face! They are bold and honest and raw because I am bold, honest and raw and my art is me! I am the art. The art I make is the internal colors of my soul on some canvas so I can keep moving forward. That energy in me has to come out or I’ll die probably (not really) or internally combust or just blow up.
So moral of story…I can be and AM confident in the energy that God has given me to be expressed outwardly because people need to experience that freedom in their life…the freedom I have in my art making so they feel inspired to do the same boi!!!!
