Moderately Depressed
These past 2+ years have been a wild ride of daily suffering and struggling. My little 2 year old son has severe medical issues including severe allergies (food and environment), a compromised immune system, eczema, leaky gut and also scratches as a coping mechanism from his eczema. My son needs 24/7 help, all day and night long or he will not stop scratching himself due to pain, itchyness or just anxiety and he will get an infection (has happened twice now and needed to take him to the ER). It has been tough. And with prolonged suffering like this…well, it takes a freaking toll on everyone involved you know? It is really easy to feel lifeless when there is truly no rest with no worries. Theres sometimes “rest” but all the worries and the anxiety is still fully there.
So how does one continue thru life?
Well for me, it’s been to do the things that get all that goopy, hopeless suffering feelings out of my system thru something that I can physically do. So painting? Yes!
That is why I created this collection because this was my saving grace in a way. I cried, I yelled, I smiled, I had panic attacks, anxiety thru the roof, hope squeezing thru the trying times…all those and more I was able to feel and release into this collection. Even with all the chaos. I went to paint as a way of survival mentally. And it was hard. Because if you have ever been depressed, it’s really nice to just numb yourself and not actually get up into what you are feeling or not feeling. And for me, the process of art making is a vulnerable thing. It brings out all your insecurities and continually questions
“Why the heck you are making this stuff anyways?!”
“Are you making it so other people will like it?”
“Are you imagining what people will think about it?”
Those questions always pop up about half way through when it looks “okay” and “I don’t want to ruin it” so I think that I should stop but I know deep down I am in no way finished! So thats a big hump to get past because you have to come to grips with your lack of confidence in yourself and why you have a tendency to just settle.
But I LOVE that feeling because I know once I keep going, that’s when the magic happens for ME (who gives a crapola about what anyone else thinks!) And I need that magic. And once I finish a piece, it is like a literal breath of fresh air to see hung up…especially when I’m struggling. As cliche as it is, if I can get out of my own way with painting, then surely I can get out of my own way so I can healthily walk thru this season of suffering with hope for something beautiful to come (as hopeless and dumb that sounds when you’re in the thick of it but it is true outside of space and time…which is so helpful because no feelings are involved or needed when truth is told baby!)
So, yes, this is my collection that I made when I was (and still am) moderately depressed. Keep holding on. Lots of people say this is just a season. I’m down with that!
